grace, pt 3. [the big news]

A few weeks ago I started a series on grace.

The ravishing, unrelenting love and faithfulness of God that is not dependent in the least on what we do or say has completely turned my world upside down over the last several months.

“If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others. We cling to our bad feelings and beat ourselves with the past when what we should do is let go. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, guilt is an idol. But when we dare to live as forgiven men and women, we join the wounded healers and draw closer to Jesus.” –Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child

I have alluded to there being something-- a specific situation-- that He has been using to teach me these lessons. And now I want to share that blessing with you.

That blessing is now almost 21 weeks old and weighing in at around ten ounces. Due to arrive the first week of January, the Lord has been using the boy (!!!) that I am now carrying to teach me about my desperate need for a Savior, the weakness of my flesh, and most importantly, His desire to use all things for His glory and the good of those who love Him.

It happened with a close friend a few days before I left for Uganda. It happened one time, and I was deeply grieved by the sin that I had committed. I repented, was forgiven, made white as snow, and moved on. The last thing that I wanted was guilt or shame (saying that the blood of Jesus was not enough to cover this sin) inhibiting me from loving well and wanting to spend time with God.

“The poor man and woman of the gospel have made peace with their flawed existence. They are aware of their lack of wholeness, their brokenness, the simple fact that they don’t have it all together. While they do not excuse their sin, they are humbly aware that sin is precisely what has caused them to throw themselves at the mercy of the Father. They do not pretend to be anything but what they are: sinners saved by grace.” –Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

I refuse to see my child as a consequence of my sin. Are there other consequences? Absolutely. Some of the changes that have come and will come are not fun. I am not downplaying that our actions have consequences, sometimes ones that change everything in our life. My child is a result of my sin, yes. But a blessing. Nothing but a blessing.

I found out very early on, when I was barely two weeks pregnant. At first, I didn’t know what to do. I was confused, scared, and emotional. (Okay, I’m still pretty emotional!) But over the past several months, I cannot put into words the amount of peace, love, and joy that God has covered me with. Through the Word, encouragement and prayers from others, and books that I am reading, I have been overwhelmed by the presence of God. I can honestly say that I understand the Gospel, grace, and unconditional love better now than ever before. I know that it is not going to be an easy road, but I refuse to let my sin debilitate me. I am human. Stuff happens. But God’s faithfulness is not dependent on my own. He still has plans for me, and He has plans for this child. I believe He is the only one who can give life, and I feel that He has entrusted me to glorify His name even in the middle of such difficult and precarious circumstances.

“Here was the purest picture I’d ever seen of God’s relentless pursuit of His raggedy creation. Not that I could sin more so grace might abound, but grace abounded more because I could find it in the darkness as much as in the light.” –Michael W. Smith, foreword in The Ragamuffin Gospel

My life is not over. My call to missions has not ended. I have not given up the fight. God is not finished writing my story. We are simply starting a new chapter together. One that I wasn’t anticipating, but one that is here.

Shocking? Yes. But that’s life.

“The apparent frustrations of circumstances, seen or unforeseen, of illness, of misunderstandings, even of our own sins, do not thwart the final fulfillment of our lives hidden with Christ in God.” –Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

My desire for the Lord has not changed. My love for the Lord has not changed. I want to be used by Him, however He sees fit, for nothing other than to bring glory to His name. He has carried me through much, how could I give Him less than everything?

So here I am, starting on a very new, very exciting, very humbling journey… Hoping that you decide to come along with me.

**In a desire to live an honest and transparent life, I want you to know that you are welcome to ask me any questions you might have. To honor my community of family, friends, and supporters, I will continue to live my life this way. You are welcome to leave a comment here (they will be moderated), email me at grace.hartmann@gmail.com or send them to me in a private Facebook message.